The End

ASSALAMUALAIKUM WARAHMATULLAHI WABARAKATUH.......

Hye readers! waddup???Im feeling good today...finally..i hope youre fine as well..

I have completed my 5 years and a half study..phewww~~ quite penat jgaklah kan..during that 5 years, many things happen, pleasant or unpleasant but i manage to get thru it. tp cabaran paling brutal kebanyakan berlaku kt matriculation centre kt petaling jaya..

all my life, i will remember that moment, the people involve, the surrounding circumstances, the sorrow, the happiness and the shit that i'd swallowed. among all the lesson that ive learned, there's one story i would like to share. and it happened 5 years ago, in matriculation centre..............

First Day 2005:
 Me and abah arrive k.l and go straight to petaling jaya sbb nak register. Then, i get my room at Mahallah Khadijah 315 dan kenal la dengan seorang budak sabah. Namanya Nurhafizah saidin. Then, kenal lagi dua orang with the name of Nur Hannah Izana and Ainul Mardhiyyah. We get along quite okay and i left Matric at about noon to my abah's hotel. rilek kejap then patah balik Matric. Time abah nak balik, serious sedih gila, takut and mcm2x bcos i know im alone there, no family, no friend, no one to help me or to console me. 

 That is the first time  i was left alone on my own and i have no idea what to do, but i keep it cool because i dont want abah to see or to know that his daughter sbenarnya takut ditinggal sorang. i biasalah, ego punya pasal so aku ckp ngan abah..."its okay lah, balik terus hotel cepat sikit, i need to unpack and do other stuff, so cannot do a thing if you still here" (translate from bhs sarawak)....den abah reply "sure? no scared one ka? okay aaahhh...abah balik aaa...jaga diri lynn"...dengan muka yang sombong dan berlagak berani aku menjawab.."okay" and bye bye him... den aku naik room and unpack dengan mata yang berair. how can i live alone here? what do i do during weekends? roomates gone back and im left alone?..dengan tangan yang terketar2x aku capai sejadah and telekung, ambik wudhuk and prepare to solat. Take note that its my first time solat! im not ashamed to admit that im quite jahil at that time. after solat (i think its asar kot), i started crying and pray to Allah. My prayer is quite specific though. Its sound a little like this.....

"Ya Allah, berikanlah aku kekuatan, kuatkanlah semangat aku.aku mohon, temukanlah aku dengan seorang kawan yang memahami hati aku, ketakutan aku. orang yang berasal dari tempat aku.orang yang sedang bersedih seperti aku. dan orang yang sama course dengan aku"

memanglah doa aku sounds straight forward kan? and agak lucu la. but at that moment, i never thought of it as funny. i thought of it as something i desperately need and deep inside i know my prayer will not be entertain. yalah, dahla first time solat, entah betol kah x kan...so aku pasrah jah...i did follow the program, me and my rommates. but we're not close with each other. mungkin semua tengah layan perasaan kan (except mardiah, cik maya nie brutal, dia x sedih sebab dah pernah duduk asrama katanya...hehe)

Third Day (or after a week):
after many night in a row full of tears, its the time of our Arabic placement test. and im sure as hell scared to death though. i dont know even a word in arabic. but of cos i put up a confident and proud face when i entered the exam hall. it was as if arabic is at my finger tips, and i seated at my place next to a girl who looked confused. but of cos i ignored her, and do my own thing (layan perasaan sedih). suddenly, just 5 minutes before the exam start, she talked to me. she said:

"awak ada basic Arrab?" (dengan slank sarawak yang sgt obvious)..i rolled my eyes and look at her. she's chinese look though and i know from my heart that she's the person ive been waiting for. without answering her question i asked her back:


"awak asal mana?" she answered, "Miri."..BINGO!! im right.she's the one and i smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!


"kamek pon orang sarawak. kamek kuching. nama lynn.kitak?" she said "kmk fizah"...


after the exam, she invited me to her room and i stayed there lepak and i noticed that she's sad and not happy. then i express my feeling to her hoping that she wouldnt think of me as a lesbian or pervert or someone crazy. and she didnt. she said i totally understand what u feel and i feel the same too. she miss her family so much. we exchange number and never met until the orientation week finished. but in between, we exchange messages, news and etc. she stayed at mahllah aisyah though so its quite far lah nak berjalan pegi her room kan.

our relationship blossom and strengthen each day. we became so close and i even slept at her untie's place during weekends. i love her little cousin and her family, they're nice people and polite some more. 

2006:
one day, i think its few days before ramadhan, we sat on a bench at mahallah khadijah eating chocolate she bought at mid valley. nyaman gler coklat tu and sgt mahal!!! so, we both share2x lah and i bli air and aiskrim if im not mistaken. then ramadhan menjelma. i send her kad raya and coklat by hand kat room dia mahallah aisyah.jauh woo nak jalan..penat, tp sbb kawan punya pasal, snggup hanta kad jauh2x n singgah kat mart khadijah beli her favourite coklat (she loves coklat so much). the next few days, she send me her kad raya pulak..hehe..so sweet kan.. and just a few weeks before raya, mcm terlintas di fikiran, that i wanna tell her that she's the answer to my pray and that i appreciate her so much. but i just keep it secret, i dont wanna let her know (actually malu jgk la nk mngaku kan..plus ego)..and we never met for two weeks, just texting each other. entahla, i have a feeling that im starting to keep a distance from her, refuse to spend time with her and did some terrible awful thing to her. i dont know y i did that.


few weeks before raya i think (im not sure), she pass away. i didnt have a chance to tell her that i appreciate and love her as the world bestest friend ever! and thats my regret! she didnt have the chance to know that she's the answer to my prayer!. i didnt have the chance to apologize for wat i did!..


2010:
ive finished my 5 years and a half studying in IIUM. and each semester that i changes room and unpack, i never forget to read the card she send me. i never fail to read it over and over again. and today, as i finally graduated (hopefully, subject to exams result) i hope that she's here with me, celebrating the joyous moment of my life. though she's not here physically, i know she'll be happy to celebrate the moment together if whe were. and thats the most terrible heartache ive ever felt before!


P/S: Never afraid to express your feeling to the people you love, appreciate and whatever. Put aside your ego. Its never too late until its too late. Its the lesson i've learn. How i wish i could turn back time and fix the thing that i have ruin. 


With love~~


Al Fatihah.